"I won't support breastfeeding men": why I quit the board of La Leche League GB

A guest post from former LLLGB trustee, Miriam Main

On Monday I published the resignation letter of the founders of breastfeeding charity La Leche League (LLL), Marian Tompson. That same day, one of the trustees of the UK branch of the charity, Miriam Main, also quit over the same issue: the inclusion of male people who want to breastfeed in support groups set up to serve women. Today, in a guest post exclusively for my paid subscribers, Miriam tells the story of how and why she has resigned.

I am Miriam Main. I'm mother to two children, and I live with them, my husband, a feisty cat and a dopey dog in Edinburgh. After having my oldest child I struggled to breastfeed, and was surprised at the deep biological urge within me to persist through the challenges. I found La Leche League, who offered me the love, support and tips that I needed, and I fell in love with the charity. I felt understood and empowered, and went from being a mum who needed lots of support, to being the one dishing it out. I became a Leader (breastfeeding counsellor) and ran support groups for my local community throughout COVID-19 and beyond. Until 2nd November, I was a Trustee and member of the Council of Directors of LLLGB.

This is the story of why I resigned.

I would like to preface this by saying this is not a trans rights issue. I believe everyone should be free to live how they want to, be addressed with kindness and respect, and enjoy all the freedoms we have come to expect in 2024. What is happening with La Leche League, and in many other charities and organisations, is an issue of sex - not gender identity.

A bit of background: La Leche League (LLL) has been providing breastfeeding support for mothers and babies for over 60 years and is the oldest UK breastfeeding charity. LLL has a very strong ‘voice’, which is reflected in LLL philosophy through their ten concepts - it unapologetically advocates for mothers and babies. LLL trains Leaders (breastfeeding counsellors) to provide empathetic, evidence-based information and support in the normal course of breastfeeding. In addition to offering this on a one-to-one basis and providing excellent free resources such as leaflets and web pages, a core part of LLL’s support is holding regular meetings where mothers come together and exchange tips and support.

It is in these meetings where the LLL magic happens. 

Single-sex spaces for breastfeeding are necessary to protect the what some refer to as the mother-baby dyad – that unique and symbiotic relationship between woman and baby. I remember feeling a bit miffed that my husband couldn’t stay with me at the first LLL meeting I attended, but it didn’t take long for me to understand why. Women bare all emotionally and physically. They talk about coercive family members, their sex life after having a baby, how they feel about their changing body, the physical sensations they experience, perineal tears and prolapses, pressure to give a bottle, and so many more things. They might be breastfeeding outside the home for the first time, they might have cracked and mangled nipples, they might be struggling or feeling completely exhausted. There are often tears of joy and pain. 

Many meetings have over twenty women in the room, and given the ‘1 in 4’ statistic, at least one is likely to have experienced domestic abuse. Breastfeeding is a great leveller: women come from all socioeconomic backgrounds and don’t care about each other’s race, religion or politics, because they want to breastfeed - and later because they want to help other women breastfeed. LLL gives all these women a huge maternal hug and invites this deep, visceral connection that draws in mutual support like nothing else I have ever experienced. This includes all kinds of women - married, single, other, young, old, lesbian, nonbinary and transmen. The dynamic would not be the same with men present. Indeed, LLL has traditionally held occasional “partners welcome” meetings which play an important but different job, and have a different atmosphere.

As a global organisation LLL covers over 80 countries on every continent except Antarctica, and the universal nature of breastfeeding support means that LLL works everywhere. In the UK, LLL is registered with the Charity Commission with the charitable objects “to promote the physical and psychological health of mothers and children through education in the technique of breastfeeding, and to advance the education of the public and especially those concerned with the care of children in the health benefits both immediate and long-term of breastfeeding”.

It is these objects that LLL seems to have completely forgotten.

It all started with changes to language. In LLL publications and materials I noticed ‘mother’ being replaced with ‘parent’, ‘breastfeed’ being replaced with ‘chestfeed’, and women constantly being referred to as ‘breastfeeding families’. But these language changes very quickly evolved into a complete departure from LLL’s philosophy and mission, led by a group of zealots from within the organisation. Leaders who expressed concerns about clarity of language – for example for women for whom English is not their first language - were ridiculed and abused.

We began to be told that as an inclusive organisation we would have to welcome trans identifying men who wished to breastfeed to our meetings. Leaders then began to raise legitimate concerns about safeguarding issues. For example, the physical safety of a baby being breastfed by a man; the social and physiological safety of a mother separated from her baby so a man can breastfeed; the psychological safety of women in the room where a man is present; the need for privacy for women with certain religious beliefs. In raising such concerns, we were told we were transphobic, and we were compared to racists and Nazis - by other Leaders!

It felt as if language was being deliberately used to confuse Leaders - were we changing language to include non binary female people, male people, lesbians, transmen? It just wasn’t clear. Amidst the confusion, the Leader body were led to believe that nothing untoward was happening and that any questions or concerns were from old, bigoted Leaders who would hopefully shuffle off soon. I distinctly remember a post on the Leader facebook group where a Leader said that they hoped all those who disagreed with their view on inclusion would hurry up and die.

Myself and other Trustees were eventually able to escalate and articulate our concerns to the LLL International Board. This then triggered an email from the Board to all LLLGB Leaders which, as we suspected, clearly stated that GB Leaders were obliged to provide breastfeeding support, “to all nursing parents, regardless of their gender identity or sex”.

We were all deeply concerned by this. We knew, too, that it contravened charitable objects and could damage our beneficiaries, who are women and children, and as trustees we sought help from the Charity Commission.  However, unfortunately the Charity Commission was dismissive, condescending and ultimately unhelpful. They did not seem to care that a minority of Members were trying to push the charity in a direction that could harm their beneficiaries, and they did not seem to care that an outside influence from the USA had unreasonable influence over a British charity. If felt as if they were essentially rolling their eyes and telling us to stop bickering like silly little girls.

LLLGB now has a legal opinion from an eminent KC which states that the diktat from LLLI – that we as Leaders are obliged to support men who wish to breastfeed - does contravene our charitable objects in the UK as we suspected. Despite this, the USA-based LLLI Board is standing firm. They insist we must support male lactation and breastfeeding, if we want to be Leaders.

The LLLI board has demonstrated their power by removing the Leader accreditation of myself and other Trustees who have raised concerns. This is not because of anything we have done as breastfeeding counsellors, but because we performed our legal duty as Trustees of a UK charity by questioning if we are sticking to our charitable objects. Their actions have left hundreds of women regularly attending La Leche League meetings bereft of support. The LLLI Board has shown that theoretical male lactation trumps the needs of real women living in the UK.

Many have asked why I stayed for so long or how other Leaders can stand this. It is very hard to describe how life-changing LLL (in its true form) has been, and the emotional ties and responsibility that Leaders feel towards LLL and their local mums. The grief I feel at losing LLL from my life is huge. Until now it has been easier for Leaders to turn a blind eye and carry on doing good work. However, the time has come for Leaders in GB to listen to their hearts, and decide what to do next. I know many Leaders will not enjoy the media attention, but my message to them is this: don’t shoot the messenger, the shocking truth I am revealing to the public is not of our making.

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Thanks to Miriam for her courage in telling her story.