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Grace Under Fire's avatar

What is not admitted here, and is rarely mentioned because it is unmentionable, is that at the core of this is patriarchal rage that babies belong to women and not to men. Because of this simple fact, the future is ours, and not theirs.

The fact that we have the babies by biological necessity is the reason why we are oppressed, along with men’s need for sex. The domestic services we provide for free to the men who live with us are just an added extra. Babies belong to women. Men can only know who their babies are by curtailing women’s sexual freedom - that is what marriage is about. If they don’t stay close to a woman and ensure her sexual monogamy they won’t know who their children are.

Nature wasn’t set up to do this - naturally the men would be long gone by the time babies arrived, and women got all the support they needed from their own birth families: their mother, sisters, brothers, uncles and aunts. In fact that support was much more reliable and consistent than any from a man you had sex with nine months ago. This is why women were forced to go to their husbands family to live, so that she was separated from that support system and reliant on a new family who didn’t necessarily care about or for her: it made her weak and reliant on her husband during a period of need.

The patriarchy has to make new mothers as weak as possible so that they can claim the babies. It is true that as a general rule they would rather not be involved with the bringing up of those babies, especially at the nappies stage, but even this is being renegotiated as women are voting with their feet and not tying themselves irrevocably to the man they had sex with nine months before their baby arrived.

The idea of surrogacy has finally broken the link that nature puts in place to give babies their best chance of survival in as healthy a way as can be. The physical and emotional links between a mother and her babies is unimaginable by those who do not experience it as a mother. Of course most of us experience it as babies, but it is pre linguistic and so forgotten, and our society breaks the link as soon as it can with women going “back” to work, ie. not doing the work that they can do better than anyone else (looking after their own baby, with support) and handing that work to other women who are paid to do it less well in nurseries and schools.

Surrogacy doesn’t even give a nod to this wonderful process of nature creating a fabulous carer for their children, and pretends that this link can be broken with the payment of some money and recreated by the need of selfish adults to pretend that they can magic up that relationship artificially. This is not to deny the wonderful work done by those who care for babies whose mother cannot care, through ill health or death. Those people are amazing and should be celebrated, but to create motherless babies so that you can pretend to be a mother is a crime against humanity.

And the “gestational carrier”, “birthing patient”, “breastfeeding families” nonsense is that patriarchy’s latest weapon to separate us from our babies. To pretend that women are the exactly the same as before they became pregnant but happen to be carrying a bag with a baby in is a lie. To pretend that the only difference between mothers and fathers is that one of them suddenly gives birth but otherwise everything is the same, is a lie. To pretend that an entire family breastfeeds a baby, or even that men can do it with the help of a cocktail of drugs, is a lie. These are all lies that weaken the link between women and their babies because this is our superpower, and the patriarchy knows that its own destruction lies in our knowing that and having the power to act on it.

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Frau Katze's avatar

“Pregnant people”—one I especially dislike.

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