Dear Milli. Those comments are just opinions and say more about the writer’s closed mind and harsh judgments than about yourself. Keep close to those who love you and welcome your views. There are many of us who support you and your views.
Thanks. I do realise that. I felt in a much darker place this morning when I wrote the majority of it. Since then I've had a lot of messages of support. But I still wanted to publish those earlier thoughts because I think it's important to say how it impacts me (and others) as well as just the whole 'I am strong' stuff. Sometimes it really does hurt.
You are wonderful! You have no idea how far and wide your influence goes! I have given your books to young women who also think you are wonderful. We are too quiet I know but we are here. Please believe it!!
Oh, I appreciate that, and I do believe it. You are so kind. I wanted to write about the negative effects of it all on me because I think it's important to say it out loud, not to always be tough and 'I am fighting back' etc but just sometimes to acknowledge that it does affect me (and others). But yes I feel your support so thank you x
As ever you've put this into words so perfectly. I'm so angry that the bullies are still at it Milli, it's like they're trying to score as many brownie points as possible. Ironically they are the hateful ones, they make up an idea of someone in their head and demonise them. It's ridiculous and surely libelous.
Unfortunately libel and defamation are almost impossible to pursue against rogue individuals like this. It's costly and the person doing the defaming probably doesn't have any money either. It's a daft system in need of reform IMHO!!
That's a shame. I'd still be very tempted to reply to each one with some sort of threat of action if they continue to defame you. It's just not on! We're dealing with school bullies at the moment and I just don't understand the bullying mentality. What is actually wrong with people like that!
It amazes me how they can write such tripe as if they know and it’s a fact and they are right about you when it is not real . At all . The injustice is so annoying to read .
Their self belief is phenomenal and to be so unkind in public for no reason .
I think women being mean to each other is so habitual nowadays and here is an example not to represent that behaviour. But I am learning this now as I get older and know where my knowledge and opinion matters and can be helpful and where my ego is unhelpful . I’m glad you are moving away from the stress of the morning and tomorrow is another day as well .
I suspect that some of those who make these hurtful comments are just plain jealous of your success. You have a talent and an audience that far exceeds their tiny worlds, so they try and take you down to make themselves feel bigger, more important and more prominent than they will ever be. I am one who deliberately hides behind a pseudonym, without which I would be booted out of my volunteer role supporting mothers to breastfeed. This is not my imagination; I am aware of steps that have been taken to "unmask" me and have been told I'm a coward for not using my name. Totally overlooking that if I did 'come clean' they wouldn't have me to bully anymore as I would lose my volunteer role! And I know too many women who have committed lesser "crimes" than I have who have indeed either been bullied into resigning or disaccredited.
Isn't it funny how "inclusion" excludes anyone who takes a reality stance when it comes to mammalian reproduction? Identities don't get pregnant, give birth or breastfeed, only bodies do these things and if you weren't born a girl, you will never be a woman. (And vice versa for boys and men.)
thanks for the support x and yes, intersectional feminism is also another term they bandy around, forgetting that women who are gender critical are also slap bang in the middle of their alleged intersection!
I like Holly Lawford-Smith's assertion that engaging in intersectionality means that women and our rights never make it to the top of the to do list, as there is always someone more "deserving" of attention than boring old us.
I’m afraid some people are unreachable for the moment, the indoctrination is so strong. All the occupied territory (in maternity care and everywhere else is going to have to be reclaimed - and I am sure it will be, but alas only as the damage and cost of this ideology become apparent. The Sullivan report is another blast away of the fog. Hang in there. I bought your first book for my pregnant young friend and she now has a lovely baby girl!
This is one of the most powerful posts you've ever written. Please keep fighting because we will ultimately win this war. And after, there'll be the equivalent of the Nuremberg Trials over the harms this wicked ideology has caused to women, gay people and children. Shameful comments by handmaidens such as these will feature in evidence. We're keeping the receipts. Onwards Milli. Onwards!
Thanks Amanda, some kind of reckoning would be great wouldn't it. It almost needs some sort of deprogramming initiative because so many people really have bought into it wholesale. Appreciate your support x
So sorry this continues, Milli. It's insane. These people don't have to agree with you but the idea that they imagine they have the right to be so vicious – and against someone they don't even know – will always be a shocker for me. I just don't get all the violence and hatred that people feel okay about expressing online, and never have. It's completely fucked up and I don't understand how they can't see it. It's always okay not to agree. But you have no right to hurt. Sending a virtual hug.
Thank you Sharon, yes it really is bizarre isn't it. One of them is a woman that I knew in real life. She once gave me a lift from Belfast to Dublin after a conference. She's a midwife. I think they see me as deserving of it, almost as criminal, as the midwife said, 'we are not bullying you we are holding you accountable', so you see in her mind, I have committed a crime / sinned, and this is the consequence.
I cannot match the eloquence of everyone else above Mils, but want to add my voice to others, in support of how you continue to show up, share your experiences and stand up for your values. Being based now in Vietnam for 14 years, and watching these debates unfold in other countries (the public discourse on gender remains quite different here) can be quite discombobulating. It makes me wonder why people don’t use online platforms to connect and learn from one another (culturally, especially)? Instead, some of these platforms largely just fuel bullying and hatred. What a sad state of affairs, when we are so fortunate to be in the privileged position of choice - why not double down on connection and learning, rather than send cowardly, public, bullying messages? My friend always tells me that 99% of people in the world are inherently good and compassionate. He always says this. And I always nod. Your next book will be fabulous, my friend - it’s a belter! Bish x
I’m so sorry you’ve been exposed to another round of hateful comments and outright bullying online, Milli. 😢 But as you know, people say the worst things behind the anonymous guise of the internet. It really can and does bring out the worst in some people.
Thank you for being true to yourself and having the courage to continue writing what truly needs to be shared. I am looking forward to receiving your next book on preorder! 😘
Sorry to read those comments Milli.. I can understand why you feel how you do.
I’m proud to be one of the army of supporters of yours , and I read ‘how to give birth like a feminist 21 years after having my first baby too 🤣 and am
Hard to believe that in the name of ‘kindness’ women are so vituperative towards you, & it’s so unwarranted Milli. If it wasn’t so cruel & harmful I would laugh. My best wishes on your new book, I look forward to buying. And I’ve shared the details with a passionate friend
How awful and upsetting for you, I’m so sorry, and thank you for the powerful piece you’ve written about it. I became steadily more infuriated reading those comments, as there were so many rational and objective (to my mind!) points to be made to counter what these people were saying. How is it that one side of the argument is seen as “kind” but the other is demonised and painted as hateful? Can’t 2 well-informed - and kind - people disagree any more?! Keep going Milli, I’m sure more and more people out there are waking up and agree with you. Anyone who reads your writing can’t fail to see you are a compassionate person, also quite a witty one! 😃
You know loads of us love and cherish your courage, Milli ❤️. So few voices are there in the midst of maternity & women’s health ( not a criticism of the amazing women who speak up about the gender bollox, but you have always focussed primarily on the effect on women & mothers & that’s so necessary).
I’m tussling myself with compassion.
Like you, I see the teen girls caught up in it all as worthy of our compassion.
I’m becoming less compassionate about adult women who pretend they’re not women, or mothers even….especially if they insult, bully & disparage those of us who do stand up for reality.
thanks for your steadfast support Heather. And yes, I agree, my compassion is largely for the children and young people caught up in this, or anyone else who is vulnerable - I don't have much compassion for the bullies, that's for sure! x
Just adding a bit more of the ol’ love and agreement to all the above excellent comments Milli . I KNOW from experience that your books have delivered a wealth of both practical advice & emotional support to so many women , girls & their partners .
For the last 20 years I’ve collected anthologies & articles about people who admire & inspire me , it’s always a cheery thing to look through but especially if I’m ever feeling gloomy about people who behave in a cowardly or unkind way .
In here are many folk who have acted to make the world a better place, saner place .
Nancy Wake and Mary McLeod Bethune are two of the more famous but there’s lots who are less well known but did the ‘right & brave thing ‘ when it would have been far easier not too , such as Antoinette Tuff ( who prevented a school massacre) or Charles Moore ( homeless man who found $ 21,000 worth of bonds in the garbage whilst looking for returnable bottles & got them back to their rightful owner …)
In the front is the text we were given at Nancy Wake’s 2011 memorial service:
‘Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgement that something is more important than fear . The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all . For now you are travelling the road between who you think you are and who you can be ‘ Meg Cabot
Anyway you’re in there , with Helen Joyce , JK et al .
Wow. That's absolutely incredible. Firstly, what an amazing thing you've done! Have you done it in a scrapbook, or online, or...how?! It sounds just beautiful.
Secondly that quote is sublime.
And finally, what an honour to be in it. I am speechless xx
“What is causing the ground to be so fertile?” Well, Tumblr is often identified. You could map its growth against that referrals growth. https://www.demandsage.com/tumblr-statistics/
Also that’s a very small number of whiney people in those comments. Remember the 1:10:100 rule: 100 people read the original post and agree, 10 people read the comments, 1 person comments. The ratio isn’t perfect but it’s pretty good in analysis I’ve done. (It’s a lot more than 100:1 in fact.)
Good luck with the next book! Producing a book is an amazing achievement in itself and they can’t take that (and the advance and royalties and ACLS and PLR money) away from you.
Dear Milli. Those comments are just opinions and say more about the writer’s closed mind and harsh judgments than about yourself. Keep close to those who love you and welcome your views. There are many of us who support you and your views.
Thanks. I do realise that. I felt in a much darker place this morning when I wrote the majority of it. Since then I've had a lot of messages of support. But I still wanted to publish those earlier thoughts because I think it's important to say how it impacts me (and others) as well as just the whole 'I am strong' stuff. Sometimes it really does hurt.
You are wonderful! You have no idea how far and wide your influence goes! I have given your books to young women who also think you are wonderful. We are too quiet I know but we are here. Please believe it!!
Oh, I appreciate that, and I do believe it. You are so kind. I wanted to write about the negative effects of it all on me because I think it's important to say it out loud, not to always be tough and 'I am fighting back' etc but just sometimes to acknowledge that it does affect me (and others). But yes I feel your support so thank you x
As ever you've put this into words so perfectly. I'm so angry that the bullies are still at it Milli, it's like they're trying to score as many brownie points as possible. Ironically they are the hateful ones, they make up an idea of someone in their head and demonise them. It's ridiculous and surely libelous.
Unfortunately libel and defamation are almost impossible to pursue against rogue individuals like this. It's costly and the person doing the defaming probably doesn't have any money either. It's a daft system in need of reform IMHO!!
That's a shame. I'd still be very tempted to reply to each one with some sort of threat of action if they continue to defame you. It's just not on! We're dealing with school bullies at the moment and I just don't understand the bullying mentality. What is actually wrong with people like that!
It amazes me how they can write such tripe as if they know and it’s a fact and they are right about you when it is not real . At all . The injustice is so annoying to read .
Their self belief is phenomenal and to be so unkind in public for no reason .
I think women being mean to each other is so habitual nowadays and here is an example not to represent that behaviour. But I am learning this now as I get older and know where my knowledge and opinion matters and can be helpful and where my ego is unhelpful . I’m glad you are moving away from the stress of the morning and tomorrow is another day as well .
Thanks xxx
I suspect that some of those who make these hurtful comments are just plain jealous of your success. You have a talent and an audience that far exceeds their tiny worlds, so they try and take you down to make themselves feel bigger, more important and more prominent than they will ever be. I am one who deliberately hides behind a pseudonym, without which I would be booted out of my volunteer role supporting mothers to breastfeed. This is not my imagination; I am aware of steps that have been taken to "unmask" me and have been told I'm a coward for not using my name. Totally overlooking that if I did 'come clean' they wouldn't have me to bully anymore as I would lose my volunteer role! And I know too many women who have committed lesser "crimes" than I have who have indeed either been bullied into resigning or disaccredited.
Isn't it funny how "inclusion" excludes anyone who takes a reality stance when it comes to mammalian reproduction? Identities don't get pregnant, give birth or breastfeed, only bodies do these things and if you weren't born a girl, you will never be a woman. (And vice versa for boys and men.)
thanks for the support x and yes, intersectional feminism is also another term they bandy around, forgetting that women who are gender critical are also slap bang in the middle of their alleged intersection!
I like Holly Lawford-Smith's assertion that engaging in intersectionality means that women and our rights never make it to the top of the to do list, as there is always someone more "deserving" of attention than boring old us.
I’m afraid some people are unreachable for the moment, the indoctrination is so strong. All the occupied territory (in maternity care and everywhere else is going to have to be reclaimed - and I am sure it will be, but alas only as the damage and cost of this ideology become apparent. The Sullivan report is another blast away of the fog. Hang in there. I bought your first book for my pregnant young friend and she now has a lovely baby girl!
that's so nice to know (about your friend!)
yes hurrah for the Sullivan report.
i will hang in there.
it helps to write about it xx
This is one of the most powerful posts you've ever written. Please keep fighting because we will ultimately win this war. And after, there'll be the equivalent of the Nuremberg Trials over the harms this wicked ideology has caused to women, gay people and children. Shameful comments by handmaidens such as these will feature in evidence. We're keeping the receipts. Onwards Milli. Onwards!
Thanks Amanda, some kind of reckoning would be great wouldn't it. It almost needs some sort of deprogramming initiative because so many people really have bought into it wholesale. Appreciate your support x
So sorry this continues, Milli. It's insane. These people don't have to agree with you but the idea that they imagine they have the right to be so vicious – and against someone they don't even know – will always be a shocker for me. I just don't get all the violence and hatred that people feel okay about expressing online, and never have. It's completely fucked up and I don't understand how they can't see it. It's always okay not to agree. But you have no right to hurt. Sending a virtual hug.
Thank you Sharon, yes it really is bizarre isn't it. One of them is a woman that I knew in real life. She once gave me a lift from Belfast to Dublin after a conference. She's a midwife. I think they see me as deserving of it, almost as criminal, as the midwife said, 'we are not bullying you we are holding you accountable', so you see in her mind, I have committed a crime / sinned, and this is the consequence.
Bonkers bonkers bonkers!!!
I cannot match the eloquence of everyone else above Mils, but want to add my voice to others, in support of how you continue to show up, share your experiences and stand up for your values. Being based now in Vietnam for 14 years, and watching these debates unfold in other countries (the public discourse on gender remains quite different here) can be quite discombobulating. It makes me wonder why people don’t use online platforms to connect and learn from one another (culturally, especially)? Instead, some of these platforms largely just fuel bullying and hatred. What a sad state of affairs, when we are so fortunate to be in the privileged position of choice - why not double down on connection and learning, rather than send cowardly, public, bullying messages? My friend always tells me that 99% of people in the world are inherently good and compassionate. He always says this. And I always nod. Your next book will be fabulous, my friend - it’s a belter! Bish x
that's a really good point that we are wasting these online platforms in many ways. let's hope substack doesn't go that way too?
I hope your friend is right but I do doubt that stat sometimes!!
Loads of love xx
I’m so sorry you’ve been exposed to another round of hateful comments and outright bullying online, Milli. 😢 But as you know, people say the worst things behind the anonymous guise of the internet. It really can and does bring out the worst in some people.
Thank you for being true to yourself and having the courage to continue writing what truly needs to be shared. I am looking forward to receiving your next book on preorder! 😘
Thanks Ruth, I really do appreciate that. I am proud of this new book, and hope it does well, and isn't held back in any way by this madness xx
Sorry to read those comments Milli.. I can understand why you feel how you do.
I’m proud to be one of the army of supporters of yours , and I read ‘how to give birth like a feminist 21 years after having my first baby too 🤣 and am
Looking forward to the next book.
We’re all behind you x
That's so appreciated Abi, and I'm a long term fan of yours of course, Pinkstinks gave me hope when my first daughter was little!
Thanks for the support xx
Hard to believe that in the name of ‘kindness’ women are so vituperative towards you, & it’s so unwarranted Milli. If it wasn’t so cruel & harmful I would laugh. My best wishes on your new book, I look forward to buying. And I’ve shared the details with a passionate friend
Thank you I appreciate that xx
How awful and upsetting for you, I’m so sorry, and thank you for the powerful piece you’ve written about it. I became steadily more infuriated reading those comments, as there were so many rational and objective (to my mind!) points to be made to counter what these people were saying. How is it that one side of the argument is seen as “kind” but the other is demonised and painted as hateful? Can’t 2 well-informed - and kind - people disagree any more?! Keep going Milli, I’m sure more and more people out there are waking up and agree with you. Anyone who reads your writing can’t fail to see you are a compassionate person, also quite a witty one! 😃
Thanks Rachel. I'm reminded of the Wendy Cope poem:
“Write to amuse? What an appalling suggestion!
I write to make people anxious and miserable and to
worsen their indigestion.”
Very apt! 😆
You know loads of us love and cherish your courage, Milli ❤️. So few voices are there in the midst of maternity & women’s health ( not a criticism of the amazing women who speak up about the gender bollox, but you have always focussed primarily on the effect on women & mothers & that’s so necessary).
I’m tussling myself with compassion.
Like you, I see the teen girls caught up in it all as worthy of our compassion.
I’m becoming less compassionate about adult women who pretend they’re not women, or mothers even….especially if they insult, bully & disparage those of us who do stand up for reality.
thanks for your steadfast support Heather. And yes, I agree, my compassion is largely for the children and young people caught up in this, or anyone else who is vulnerable - I don't have much compassion for the bullies, that's for sure! x
Just adding a bit more of the ol’ love and agreement to all the above excellent comments Milli . I KNOW from experience that your books have delivered a wealth of both practical advice & emotional support to so many women , girls & their partners .
For the last 20 years I’ve collected anthologies & articles about people who admire & inspire me , it’s always a cheery thing to look through but especially if I’m ever feeling gloomy about people who behave in a cowardly or unkind way .
In here are many folk who have acted to make the world a better place, saner place .
Nancy Wake and Mary McLeod Bethune are two of the more famous but there’s lots who are less well known but did the ‘right & brave thing ‘ when it would have been far easier not too , such as Antoinette Tuff ( who prevented a school massacre) or Charles Moore ( homeless man who found $ 21,000 worth of bonds in the garbage whilst looking for returnable bottles & got them back to their rightful owner …)
In the front is the text we were given at Nancy Wake’s 2011 memorial service:
‘Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgement that something is more important than fear . The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all . For now you are travelling the road between who you think you are and who you can be ‘ Meg Cabot
Anyway you’re in there , with Helen Joyce , JK et al .
Wow. That's absolutely incredible. Firstly, what an amazing thing you've done! Have you done it in a scrapbook, or online, or...how?! It sounds just beautiful.
Secondly that quote is sublime.
And finally, what an honour to be in it. I am speechless xx
“What is causing the ground to be so fertile?” Well, Tumblr is often identified. You could map its growth against that referrals growth. https://www.demandsage.com/tumblr-statistics/
Also that’s a very small number of whiney people in those comments. Remember the 1:10:100 rule: 100 people read the original post and agree, 10 people read the comments, 1 person comments. The ratio isn’t perfect but it’s pretty good in analysis I’ve done. (It’s a lot more than 100:1 in fact.)
Good luck with the next book! Producing a book is an amazing achievement in itself and they can’t take that (and the advance and royalties and ACLS and PLR money) away from you.
Thanks Charles, yes I like the maths there! x