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Grace Under Fire's avatar

Well, I'm sixty-three and had my menopause at forty-two, so I'm kind of used to it, and I must say that I like it. I can still turn heads and be complimented by strangers on the street as I was today when I wear something striking and it's nice but I don't actually *care*, I just like to look nice according to my own standards. My face is wrinkly as I am somewhat political and refuse to buy expensive creams although I do use a cheap moisturiser once a day. But actually, I haven't found that the world treats me very differently. I get offered seats on a crowded train (very nice, thank you), but I think possibly because I don't have the fuck-giving capacities any more I am actually heard and taken account of more than pre-menopausally, not less, by both family and friends, and strangers. So that puts a spanner in the theory, to mix my metaphors somewhat.

I also think, Milli, if you will forgive me, that the "real" photos of you look more "real" in a more profound sense than simply looking fuckable. You look like someone who knows how to live, who might say something really worth listening to (which you actually do), and who knows how and when to listen to others (to me!!!). That is very attractive, not sexually, but as a person to a person.

For sure the patriarchal world we live in, which over-values fuckability in women especially and runs as fast as it can from wisdom, will not value your older womanly self. But do you really care? Do you want to continue to be commodified, because that's all it really is. I would bet the woman of forty-nine-and-holding is more of a woman than the twenty-five year old version, and I'll also bet, knowing you from your writing, that the man you married really thinks so too.

Happy Birthday!

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Sam Fraser's avatar

I love this quote from Julie Burchill: "It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not, it's a visa, and it runs out fast."  

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