cracked nipples. mastitis. my pretty girlish breasts suddenly becoming enormous and blue veined with massive brown nipples. 4 babies. bedding in. reading novels. a tiny hand palpitating. those angelic eyes. the closeness. the tenderness. the magic of it. bloody marvellous. i loved breastfeeding.
I am so glad you and others are speaking up, because the end goal in trying to make you ashamed for speaking up is to completely silence you. And if you are silenced, then options for women contract because they won't know there are alternative viewpoints to that which is mainstream. So please do not self-silence!
At the same time you are completely right that we do not support mothers after birth! Healing from childbirth and successfully beginning the mother-baby dance of breastfeeding requires a lot of mother-to-mother care. Even so, it must be recognized that many new mothers do not want others to be in their home after birth. That, too, is a delicate dance between privacy and support.
In sum, we must continue to speak out for the ideal--that is non-negotiable. And then we must make information and one-on-one support available for women who are currently post-partum, though we must also respect their wish for privacy.
I think sometimes you do feel that it might be time to give up. The Big Guy is definitely winning here! Being a stubborn Mule I probably won't give up though, but I will eventually die out! ...and I do wonder what the future holds for natural birth and breastfeeding. xxx
Incredible women are being born to us all the time . . . have no fear on that score! One of my daughters wants to be a midwife, and is intent on promoting breastfeeding and natural family planning! I have no idea why this means so much to her, but it really, really does. So hold on to hope, and be there for when these incredible women need mentoring and support--for they surely will! And then we can fade out knowing we've successfully passed on that baton . . .
Gosh yes I just realised that comment makes it sound like there won't be any brilliant women left in the world once I'm gone LOL! Obviously didn't mean it like that!! Yes there will be lots of amazing women of the future. I just do wonder if they will care about being close to nature in the way that we do, or if they will see pregnancy outside the womb and formula milk as liberation. I guess it's up to them. xx
Warms my heart to hear that your daughter wants to become and midwife and promote natural family planning! I’m a fertility awareness educator (basically the same as natural family planning) if she ever wants someone to talk to about teaching it!
Thanks, Milli for this brilliant and expansive summary of this event. Over the last 150 or so years, the combination of our patriarchal medical system and capitalism have combined to magnificently undermine women, mothers and breastfeeding. The main problem I face as a volunteer breastfeeding supporter and as a midwife is ignorance, especially from those who should know better (like, say pediatricians!). Breastfeeding is not "best", and it certainly isn't "free" (unless you value women's time at $0/hour). Breastfeeding is what our babies are born expecting to get, in the same way that all other mammal babies expect to be fed species specific milk from their mothers. If women were truly valued as equal citizens to men, they would be supported to breastfeed in a way that meets the needs of babies, because these babies are tomorrow's future workers and taxpayers. But it's more profitable to pay lip service to breastfeeding and just carry on fixing up the ill health that follows from not breastfeeding over the lifespan.
And although it would appear that gender ideology was thankfully absent from this event, out there in Rainbow Land, women are busy being erased faster than ever. There is no place for gender free language when talking about a sexed activity and breastfeeding groups who are selling the myth that "parents" and "families" are doing all the breastfeeding are just creating conditions where their messages are both confusing and possibly harmful to the mother/baby dyad. https://lucyleader.substack.com/p/la-leche-league-eliminates-mothers
Oh yes the whole 'breastfeeding families' thing is horrendous, we are on the same page here as you know! And yes, the whole event passed without a single mention of 'lactating chests' etc which was...refreshing! x
I do not have children yet but plan to start trying next year. I adamantly do not want to breastfeed but am open to the possibility of changing my mind, since pregnancy can change your mind about a lot. I don't want to breastfeed for reasons including past sexual trauma and pretty severe sensory issues. When I've brought this up in groups on FB or reddit about pregnancy (as I'm trying to gather as much information as I can) I am immediately met with snide remarks about how if I have problems being touched I shouldn't have children, as if I'm crazy and automatically negligent for wanting to minimize my sensory overload (I am also high functioning autistic). My experience of "pro breastfeeding" women is unfortunately similar to those on the panel you opposed. Women who don't want to breastfeed seem to be thought of as either selfish or industry dupes. I am very scared of the treatment I'll receive when I hopefully get pregnant since it seems to me that most involved in pre-natal care and birthing care have a very clear picture in their head of women who don't want to breastfeed. I feel like I will be treated as too "crunchy" for doctors in hospitals and too stupid for birthing centers.
Wow I am sorry to hear all this. I would definitely never judge you for your choices. My interest is in the women who 100% want to breastfeed but then find they can't. I actually don't care about those who don't want to breastfeed at all! (I don't actually mean I literally don't care about them, I mean their choices don't bother me in the slightest! I hope that makes sense!). I hope you get care that treats you as a unique individual rather than finds you problematic for not fitting into a set 'box'. When you do get pregnant, if you need any help or support, please ask. xx
I appreciate this reply so much Milli, thank you thank you. I understand what you mean when you say you don't care about women 's choice not to breastfeed and I understand your focus on wanting to support women who DO want to breastfeed but are made to feel like they can't. I haven't read your books yet, I'm waiting to get closer to my actual pregnancy, but I am excited to read them. I am sure I'll take you up on your offer to reach out when/if I get pregnant! I appreciate your kindness so much.
CM, I have the same feelings as you - intensely uncomfortable with the idea of my breasts being touched/used etc. To be honest, I think that is the point Milli is making, that breasts are so over sexualized that it exacerbates previous trauma. Speaking for myself, maybe BF will be possible with adequate and compassionate guidance and care, and almost certainly not if left alone. More funding and care for postpartum women will help them deal with this trauma even seperated from whether or not they breastfeed.
I completely agree that the oversexualization of breasts probably informs both of our feelings on breastfeeding and that more funding and care for all postpartum women can only help, as can working to desexualize breasts. In the groups I mentioned in my comment it was common for women to argue that those of us with this type of trauma and reaction should push through breastfeeding in order to change the culture. I'm not swayed by this argument because my personal suffering would not actually have any effect on our culture of oversexualizing women's bodies, and I believe my baby would suffer if I forced myself to breastfeed since I would be wracked with anxiety and possibly even resentment which would be so much worse, in my view, than bottle feeding.
Absolutely agree - the idea that women should set aside their personal trauma for the greater good is the root of this issue and I fully refuse. Your body is built first and foremost for you, and only then for a baby if you so choose.
I am a midwife and a volunteer breastfeeding supporter who believes that all women have agency over their choices, including how they want to feed their babies. I hope you find the supportive circle you need as you embark on motherhood, which is a challenging journey for every woman, regardless of what happens to her or what choices she makes. I have supported many women who have past experiences or issues that can make breastfeeding complicated, and I know that with an empathetic person at your side, you will be able to find a way to go forward that will balance your needs alongside those of your baby. I hope you find your 'tribe' because they are out there.
Thank you so much for your comment Lucy, you have no idea what it means to me to hear you say that as a midwife. I have been preoccupied with this worry about what I will do about breastfeeding practically since I was in my teens and first thought about myself doing it and realized I would almost certainly not be able to handle the physicality of it. Because of that, I have read many books and blogs by midwives and also looked at the websites of midwives local to me, and somehow never saw a midwife say something like "[I] believes that all women have agency over their choices, including how they want to feed their babies." Part of this is SURELY my own projection of insecurities and trying to read too closely between the lines of midwives who understandably want to support mothers in breastfeeding above all else, because as Milli has shown, they need a lot more support than they are currently getting. But I got myself into this place where I am basically afraid to approach a midwife or birthing center because I don't want to "offend" them with my choice, and figured I will end up in a hospital that isn't BFHI certified because they at least probably won't care enough about anything including breastfeeding to pressure me one way or another, and what a fun/empowering/not at all terrifying birth experience that will be :) Anyway sorry for rambling, I just appreciate your comment so much!
It is not your responsibility to not "offend" midwives or any other health professionals you deal with when you need their care. It may help you to realize that midwives are often women who bring their own personal traumas around birth and breastfeeding to their jobs, often with no real recognition that this is happening. So sometimes it really isn't about you at all!
From what I've observed, pregnancy is a time that allows women to change, sometimes more than they ever would have thought they could. So, allow yourself the grace of transformation if you can. Becoming a mother is a bit of a crap shoot, and how you are going to "do" mothering will adjust over time as your relationship with a tiny new human grows. Because this is a relationship with another unique person who will have their own ideas about how things should be done. What an adventure we go on when we have children!
I highly recommend the work of the author of this piece: http://www.uppitysciencechick.com/Breastfeeding_after_Sexual_Trauma.pdf She is a leading expert in the field of maternal mental health, and I think it may be helpful for you to know that you are not alone, and that there are many ways of approaching this (and that none of them are "right" or "wrong", but just different).
It's all about the support. Our ancestors would have had the wise women of the village passing down their wisdom and helping the mothers transition into role of mother. They would have had their village helping and supporting. I think it's utter madness to expect new mothers in modern times to breastfeed AND still be primary caregiver at home, cooking, cleaning, often looking after other young children and often juggling work at the same time. That said, that is exactly what I did - 3 children all breastfed (while working) but each one subsequently exclusively breast fed for longer because with each child I got more comfortable with asking for help! And all the while working from home...only possible if you have people helping, because literally no one can breast feed a baby every 60 minutes, care for small children, work full time and manage a household without substantial help. Women need to feel safe and supported to fully lean into that phase of motherhood and when they feel like they 'can't' do that (but want to) it is not a failing of the mother, it is a failing of the support systems around her (or lack of). And in my experience 'fully lean into motherhood' with babies can sometimes mean laying with them for hours while they cluster feed (every night with my 3 for at least 4 - 5 hours) and when a women feels like they can't do that, it might not mean they can't physically, it might mean they can't logistically because who is going to look after the other children or cook the dinner etc Such a complex issue that defo needs more discussion, great to see here. NB I am referring only to women who want to breastfeed, obviously if a women decides not to, that decision should also be fully supported and never judged! x
We set women up to fail really, and then blame their bodies when they do.
I guess each woman has to prioritise based on her existing life choices and her resources. For some, this will mean not breastfeeding and maybe it's better to decide that up front and be at peace with it rather than struggle against the odds and then 'give up', feeling bad etc.
I breastfed all 3 of mine until age 4. I live rurally and don't have a high flying career. Whilst my kids were small we were on tax credits. I wrote in between all the other stuff and that then evolved into a career of sorts ;-) My circumstances were suited to fully leaning in to motherhood - other people may not want the same things. xxx
I fed both my children for 2 years and was very fortunate that they both took it very easily and my body reciprocated. Therefore I myself have never needed support to succeed. However, my sister was very different, she tried so hard to successfully breast feed but had ongoing bouts of mastitis and the whole experience was really upsetting and painful both physically and emotionally. Her health visitor simply told her that her baby would die if she lived in Africa… it shocks me still to think about that, unfortunately my sister didn’t get the support she needed and so her babies were both formula fed, she desperately wanted to breast feed them and there is still sadness about the fact that she was unable to. The lack of support for mothers who wish to breast feed is hugely damaging and does not benefit anyone other than the formula manufacturers. The claim that the benefits of breast feeding are overstated is just plain wrong.
Yes I agree. I cannot understand putting energy into helping parents get formula with stupid supermarket points without putting any energy into support of pregnant women, birthing women and new mothers!! just...why?!
Breast milk is completely free of course, and once a new mum is supported to breastfeed and baby is feeding happily, it's so convenient. No sterilising bottles or making up formula which always seems like additional hard work. However, breastfeeding becomes very difficult when mums have to, need to or want to return to work, sometimes when their baby is very young. Pumping milk isn't much fun and is exhausting - well I found it so and I only returned to work two days a week - so I can understand why mums change to formula then. I breastfed both of mine until they were almost two, and loved it, but the experience was different with both my children. I had a much harder time of it with my second child because he was premature and had jaundice. The doctors advised I gave him formulae milk and only breastfed him a little. They said breastfeeding was bad (?!) for jaundiced babies. Though I pumped to try to avoid problems, I got terrible mastitis. I kept breastfeeding through the pain - tears were often involved! - and we got through it. The jaundice went and the breastfeeding carried on fine. But I think if that had happened with my first child I would have definitely given up on breastfeeding altogether. Better support is needed for new mums.
Totally agree better support needed. Not sure I agree about the breastfeeding being 'free' part though - I think I used to say the same BUT if you think about the hours women put into it, it's not 'free' in the true sense of the word. But then again, that's perhaps a perspective of a capitalist world i.e something has to be thought about in a monetary way to have 'value' - on the other hand we do live in a capitalist world!! complex xxx
Definitely a capitalist lens, and that's part of the huge difficulties we encounter with motherhood in a capitalist society. Motherhood and capitalism sit uncomfortably together - like any form of caring for people to be honest, perhaps it's caring that doesn't fit with capitalism. Anyway, it creates huge tensions and problems for mothers, and parents in general. In a society which put people first, rather than money, things would likely be different. I guess in our current world, time is money, but breastfeeding means not having to purchase formula, bottles, sterilising solution and so on that goes with formula feeding. This paraphernalia is expensive and benefits the companies that make it and convince us that we need it. So yes, capitalism 101.
The panel discussion after ours was about childcare, where this all gets even more complicated. The tension between 100% freedom in a capitalist world or breastfeeding / being there for our kids is massive. By the end of it I just thought that maybe people have unrealistic expectations of their lives not being changed by parenthood. I know I was one of those people! xx
Absolutely! But I think in our current society we have unrealistic expectations about our lifestyles in general. We need to learn to live more simply again. Capitalism is failing people and the planet. I mean, we could go into the environmental damage producing formula milk does to our ecosystems and the climate. It's a mess! We need massive system change.
The presentation by ‘Feed’ appears to misrepresent the UNICEF BFI care standards framework- Care Standard 4 is all about safe formula feeding & paced, responsive bottle feeding
These Care Standards are an important minimum benchmark
that support good care practices - they are based on an interviews programme with new mothers - every month - they are asked about their experience of care received - AN discussions, care after birth - safeguarding the Golden Hour, early feeding care including helping new mothers & parents understand close & loving relationships
The theme running through is protecting babies & promoting maternal self efficacy
I remember the days before we had these standards
AN clinics festooned with formula marketing, babies branded from birth - formula company branded arm bands, cot cards, even a branded folder from the Registrar when registering the birth
There seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding - It isn’t ‘BFI’ that has put these standards in place it is the World Health Organisation - the code of conduct was drawn up to protect babies & families
I think that you should get in touch with Erin at Feed and talk this through, because you are far more knowledgable than me about this. Or talk to Ellie the panel chair? If you email me, I can put you in touch. Your voice is needed xxx
I suspect that my voice wouldn’t be welcome Milli - these are intelligent women, they appear to have made a conscious decision - for whatever personal reason - to attack organisations & people whose sole aim is to support women and protect babies from malign forces - this truth doesn’t fit their narrative & so would be subject to attack & censure
I learned everything about breastfeeding from YouTube, which probably says a lot about the state of education. I expressed & froze colostrum just before birth and it proved invaluable with my NICU baby - husband asked them not to feed baby & dashed home and ran back with it warming in his fist. I exclusively fed for 6 months & carried on till 16 months or so. Like I said, everything I did was based on research, so when I had a milk bleb there was no one physically to help from experience. Mastitis was awful and I waited in A&E for 14 hours on New Year's Day to get antibiotics. The thing no one told me is that while breastfeeding is wonderful, it really puts the burden on the mother. The burden of providing all food, around the clock. I was exhausted. I was isolated. In a "village" of people there would be more help, but solitary mums trying to do their best, researching on YouTube and alone for 12 hours a day while partners work and 12 hours at nights while partners sleep... all feeding alone. Trying to figure it out. It's so hard.
Really interesting summary, Milli, and some great comments on it here, too.
I just want to correct a couple of points :
1. The idea that only 1 per cent of babies are excl breastfed for six months is not really correct. This widely used stat is a misinterpretation of a badly-worded Q in the last UK infant feeding survey which asked mothers by which age their babies had started solids. Only 1 per cent of babies started solids after six months…and the mothers who had started at six months or thereabouts ticked the appropriate box. Yes, that meant these infants were no longer exclusively breastfed….but many of them of course continued breastfeeding alongside solids. So to present the 1 per cent as ‘only 1 per cent are excl breastfeeding’ is a doomy interpretation!
Of course many MANY mothers stop breastfeeding before they planned to or wanted to. But we can see all around us more mothers are breastfeeding ‘older’ babies (ie older than six months) compared to a generation or so ago. They’re continuing to do so, because of social and economic changes and an increase in confidence and opportunity.
2. It *is* important to care, or at least be curious, about the mothers who don’t want to breastfeed at all, or who do it reluctantly for maybe a day only. This is massively influenced by social class & ethnicity. White, young, working class women don’t, on the whole, breastfeed. Why? There are complex reasons. Protecting breastfeeding among the white, young, working class women who *do* breastfeed is important as they do influence their peer group. How do we do this? Why is breastfeeding support & help not available equally? Why is geography an influence…. London white, young, working class women are more likely to breastfeed than their precise counterparts in, say, Sunderland?
Milli, you’re right to point out that the research shows feeding does make a difference and of course studies do control for social factors. Seems to me that this is a health equality issue, too.
Great piece as always Milli. I chose not to breastfeed even before our daughter was born and felt zero guilt about it. I feel zero guilt about it now. I didn’t want to do it, and that was made clear to drs/midwives at the time. I strongly feel this is a woman’s choice and she should be supported to feed her baby in whatever way she wants by family, health professionals and her wider community.
We live in a very middle class area and I didn’t see many bottle fed babies in cafes etc. I think a lot of bottle feeding mothers we knew were embarrassed by it. To be honest I probably got a few disapproving looks, but when a baby’s screaming to be fed who cares! I was lucky not to get comments etc from friends/family (or strangers!), though they probably knew better than to say anything! When my daughter was a tiny baby it was one of the happiest times of my life, bottle feeding was a big part of that and made life easier for us.
My message to expectant mothers or women hoping to be mothers is that feed your baby how you want. If you want to bottle feed do it, don’t feed guilty AT ALL and don’t be pressured by others. If you want to breastfeed and struggle, demand support (easier said than done I know).
I 100% agree and I 100% support your choice to bottle feed. As I've said in another comment though, it's the women who actually do want to breastfeed, the ones who feel it's important or meaningful, but who are thwarted because of bad advice or poor support, that we need to focus on. xx
Absolutely women are manipulated in their birth and feeding choices. By corporatised governments, big pharma etc as well as a whole host of parties and individuals who’ve internalised the misogynistic bullsh*t spun by these postmodern globalists.
I think you are probably right. And the BFI is stopping some of this manipulation (see Sharon's comment above about how it used to be). And now they want to get rid of the BFI. Hmm.
Absolutely. The BFI is an attempt to embed woman-centredness in a much broader and more powerful society/system that is founded in patriarchy. Of course it will be seen as a threat, especially by those who stand to lose status when they feel their traditional hierarchical and paternalistic values may be threatened. It’s makes depressing sense that BFI and similar approaches will be constantly eroded, both explicitly and tacitly. Sometimes even from within. We must each stay as much in our inner truths as possible to uphold integrity wherever our sphere of influence lies.
I spent the money to hire a breastfeeding expert (about $150 for two in-person visits plus all the emails and texts I wanted) to show me the ropes the first time I had a baby because I was living in a different city than my mom and aunts/grandma/cousins/sisters etc. It was fantastic, and paid for itself hundreds of times over. I breastfed my first until her 4th birthday and am still breastfeeding my second who is almost 2.
Definitely took a “screw anyone who looks at me funny” while doing public breastfeeding. But honestly, nobody cared or said anything.
I was the same and never had a negative comment! Public attitude to the breast IS a big issue though, we didn't even go there, another whole discussion! xx
It's not the question you asked, but I'm interested in your view on the length of time women are "encouraged" (mandated?) to exclusively breastfeed now, and why that changed. When I had my children, I started to introduce solids at around 3 months. They both did very well on this and honestly I couldn't have managed to continue to exclusively breastfeed them any longer because I needed to work.
Are the results in yet? Do we know if the young adults who were exclusively breastfed for a full 6 months are doing better than those who were not?
I don't fully know the answer but I hope someone reading who is an IBCLC or similar, will!
I believe the evidence has shown than around 6 months is optimal, and in particular that being able to sit up and feed themselves (put things in the mouth) is a sign of readiness. I guess if you think about the days before blenders, babies would not be able to have 'baby food' and would therefore not have had liquid carrot etc spooned in?! BUT - I don't know what the evidence would be about what has become of those adults. I would think that it would be very hard to pinpoint outcomes specifically to the way a person was weaned? Eg how could you prove things like rising allergies, or obesity, were linked? But - I'm not a scientist ;-) xx
Wondering what women following this thread think of this article? I notice that Ruth Anne Harper from the Infant Feeding Alliance has commented in the article.
I’m going to offer a sightly different take on what supporting breastfeeding mothers can look like.
A woman I know had moved to Ireland as a newlywed and was overjoyed to fall pregnant there. She did all the things you’re supposed to do to maximise your chances of a boring labour and birth. Hers was not. She ended up having an emergency c-section for foetal distress and they didn’t have time for the epidural to take before operating. She is in recovery at her new home with very little support and a family friend is coming to visit. He happens to be a Catholic priest and he asks her what he can bring them. She asks for a basic breastfeeding kit. He hands cash over to his local parish la leche league and they get together a kit for him to deliver. He luckily didn’t have his bags inspected at the airport and have to answer questions about why a priest has bras and nipple shields in his luggage! He delivers the kit and stays with them while she is recovering from a horrific c-section and trying to breastfeed through mastitis and no real support around. There was apparently a lot of swearing. This priest went back to his home parish and a few months later, she got calls from their friends back home asking what happened to him on his visit with them. He was a changed man for the better.
Every confession of a mother he heard, he would listen, offer advice to be gentle on themselves and affirm them in their goodness and the beauty of their new role as a mother. His penance to every breastfeeding mother was simply to go and feed their baby. He would say, motherhood and breastfeeding is a mortification and a total gift of self and for him to assign anything more would be excessive and unjust.
He also raised funds for the parish to have breastfeeding kits to anyone who needed it and held special masses for new mothers every month to welcome them and their new babies. He stated up front that there were welcome to feed their baby as needed right there in the church if they wanted to.
Catholics have a long tradition of spiritual devotion to “our lady of the milk” but it fell out of favour sometime in the 1850s in Anglophone countries when everyone got all prudish about breasts. It’s a shame, but it’s starting to come back. Google “Madonna lactans” and switch on images. Some of them are beautiful others look like the worst case of niplash and help me feel seen.
That’s my two cents. Thank you for engaging with this kind of debate and being willing to take on challenging views. My take is breastfeeding is the ordinary way to nourish our babies like all mammals do. We have the incredible ability to feed our babies with other sources unlike other mammals when the ordinary way is not possible. The fact that ordinary needs of women to breastfeed are NOT social norms is the unnatural part that we need to remedy.
Thank you for this comment. I like the priest's idea that breastfeeding and motherhood is a 'mortification', (for anyone reading who is not familiar with Catholicism my understanding is that this means a temporary abstinence from life's pleasures, eg fasting or abstaining from sex) and I genuinely think that's will resonate to anyone who has ever sat under a breastfeeding baby thinking about all the other things they could be doing or enjoying! I did write about it once being a bit like meditation in this respect as well. Constantly forcing you to come back to the present moment. No distractions etc!
It is incredibly validating to have that kind of suffering seen and acknowledged. Especially when it appears to be a “choice”. It’s been a small solace to me that there is always one place in this world where my babies are ALWAYS welcome and my motherhood seen as something beautiful and heroic, and not just a lifestyle choice among many.
The slogan, “Breast is Best” was coined by formula companies and is probably the most brilliant ad campaign in history. And one that keeps hooking us into a dialogue over and over again. We have become apologists for the phrase or we justify or explain in greater detail in response to Breast is Best. The slogan is a red herring that keeps us from identifying the real issue: That MOTHER is essential. We do mothers a huge disservice with this continued narrative. When we refrain from engaging in the formula constructed debate, we can take the teeth out of it.
Breast is Best has derailed mothers for decades. It was included on the labels of formula for years to make the product appear to be benign and helpful, but it was intended to cause friction between mothers, take the focus of the importance of the mother, and reduce the narrative to feeding instead of mothering, because anyone can feed a baby with formula.
Because no one can do their “Best” all the time, mothers who use formula often feel not good enough. When breastfeeding is promoted saying it is natural, perfect, superior, etc., those who don’t breastfeed are automatically then, none of the above. It’s the perfect rift to engage the entire health care system, mothers, and culture in general.
But Mothering is about so much more than which milk we feed our infants. Until the importance of the mother is recognized, we will continue to be neutralized, erased.
The truth about mothering is that it’s hard, no matter how we feed our babies. And often breastfeeding is blamed for it being so hard.
What happens when we are honest with ourselves and prospective mothers? What happens when we embrace the profound bio-essentialism of mothering? Pregnancy, birthing, breastfeeding and mothering are the most intense bio-essential undertaking possible. It is uniquely female, in which we become physiologically subsumed in the creation, nurturing and growth of another being. We are entangled.
A nursing mother is unique in that she and the baby are a “union of reciprocity,” with the baby completely interdependent and entwined with mother for not just survival, but to thrive. Every time a mother kisses her baby, or her baby suckles at her breast, mother’s immune system produces antibodies specific to the state of baby, her milk adjusts to infant needs in that moment, each moment, of every day, every month etc. 10% of nursing is about nutrition, and the rest is about the laying down of the synapses in the brain, socialization, safety, right brain development, language development, gut biome development, and so much more.
The constant interaction especially at night is protective of SIDS. Breastfed babies can find the source in the dark, by smell. They rouse, follow their nose, latch and interact with mother. A baby who sleeps deeply for long stretches without hunger to rouse them from heavy sleep, who has a belly filled with long-lasting formula is at a higher risk of infant death. A baby who does not know where their source of nourishment is will scoot aimlessly, increasing their risk of getting stuck or trapped in bed.
Nils Bergman MD calls the mother a baby’s Habitat. We at The Milky Way call it HOME.
“Cradled in a mother’s arms, a baby is at HOME.”-Jennifer Davidson RN BSN IBCLC
Nursing a baby is a very intense way to nurture a baby. But in reality, no matter how you birth, how you choose to feed, having and caring for a baby is the most intense biophysical, emotional, psychological experience we can have.
So many mothers feel like they are failing at mothering because no one has told them the truth. They think they are the only ones experiencing the extreme exhaustion and overwhelm. In many primary cultures a new mother is nurtured for a period of time until she has recovered, nursing and a milk supply have been established, and she feels more confident to care for her baby.
Sheila Kitzinger called this time after birth, “Baby Moon.” Of course, this term has been hijacked by industry to mean the last trip that a couple takes before having a baby. The original intent is that prior to birth, a mother plans for a period of time of her choosing (six weeks is suggested, but a minimum of two weeks) that only certain hand-picked people will come to her home to help with shopping, meals, cleaning, caring for other children, and any other support that she desires.
Friends and family often come out of the woodwork to visit a new baby. Newborn energy is intoxicating and everyone wants a piece of it. They will hold baby, kiss baby, inhale baby’s scent, pass baby around, and then go home on a high, leaving the new mama exhausted with an overtired newborn that may have even picked up a bug from one of the eager visitors. Make no mistake, they are not coming to see the mother, and will be nowhere around at 3a.m. when she needs help the most, or when her 3 month old is screaming with colic.
For mothers who don’t have willing or helpful family or friends, much of the necessary support can be added to her baby registry, such as house cleaning, grocery and meal delivery, lactation home visits, chiropractor or other bodywork home visits, and can be purchased as a gift instead of things.
The bottom line, the big takeaway here is, the next time you see, “Is breast best?” Sidestep it and re-direct to the real question: how best can we support each and every mother? Who cares which is best, perfect, normal, whatever? What matters is the reality of motherhood, and what infrastructure we can put in place that truly understands the IMPORTANCE OF THE MOTHER, and what she needs for she and her baby to THRIVE. And maybe we can stem the tide of erasure.
cracked nipples. mastitis. my pretty girlish breasts suddenly becoming enormous and blue veined with massive brown nipples. 4 babies. bedding in. reading novels. a tiny hand palpitating. those angelic eyes. the closeness. the tenderness. the magic of it. bloody marvellous. i loved breastfeeding.
Beautifully put! xx
Thanks so much for this write-up of the panel.
I am so glad you and others are speaking up, because the end goal in trying to make you ashamed for speaking up is to completely silence you. And if you are silenced, then options for women contract because they won't know there are alternative viewpoints to that which is mainstream. So please do not self-silence!
At the same time you are completely right that we do not support mothers after birth! Healing from childbirth and successfully beginning the mother-baby dance of breastfeeding requires a lot of mother-to-mother care. Even so, it must be recognized that many new mothers do not want others to be in their home after birth. That, too, is a delicate dance between privacy and support.
In sum, we must continue to speak out for the ideal--that is non-negotiable. And then we must make information and one-on-one support available for women who are currently post-partum, though we must also respect their wish for privacy.
I think sometimes you do feel that it might be time to give up. The Big Guy is definitely winning here! Being a stubborn Mule I probably won't give up though, but I will eventually die out! ...and I do wonder what the future holds for natural birth and breastfeeding. xxx
Incredible women are being born to us all the time . . . have no fear on that score! One of my daughters wants to be a midwife, and is intent on promoting breastfeeding and natural family planning! I have no idea why this means so much to her, but it really, really does. So hold on to hope, and be there for when these incredible women need mentoring and support--for they surely will! And then we can fade out knowing we've successfully passed on that baton . . .
Gosh yes I just realised that comment makes it sound like there won't be any brilliant women left in the world once I'm gone LOL! Obviously didn't mean it like that!! Yes there will be lots of amazing women of the future. I just do wonder if they will care about being close to nature in the way that we do, or if they will see pregnancy outside the womb and formula milk as liberation. I guess it's up to them. xx
If they hear your voice, there's a greater chance, so definitely keep speaking! Definitely keep writing books!
Warms my heart to hear that your daughter wants to become and midwife and promote natural family planning! I’m a fertility awareness educator (basically the same as natural family planning) if she ever wants someone to talk to about teaching it!
Thanks so much!
Thanks, Milli for this brilliant and expansive summary of this event. Over the last 150 or so years, the combination of our patriarchal medical system and capitalism have combined to magnificently undermine women, mothers and breastfeeding. The main problem I face as a volunteer breastfeeding supporter and as a midwife is ignorance, especially from those who should know better (like, say pediatricians!). Breastfeeding is not "best", and it certainly isn't "free" (unless you value women's time at $0/hour). Breastfeeding is what our babies are born expecting to get, in the same way that all other mammal babies expect to be fed species specific milk from their mothers. If women were truly valued as equal citizens to men, they would be supported to breastfeed in a way that meets the needs of babies, because these babies are tomorrow's future workers and taxpayers. But it's more profitable to pay lip service to breastfeeding and just carry on fixing up the ill health that follows from not breastfeeding over the lifespan.
And although it would appear that gender ideology was thankfully absent from this event, out there in Rainbow Land, women are busy being erased faster than ever. There is no place for gender free language when talking about a sexed activity and breastfeeding groups who are selling the myth that "parents" and "families" are doing all the breastfeeding are just creating conditions where their messages are both confusing and possibly harmful to the mother/baby dyad. https://lucyleader.substack.com/p/la-leche-league-eliminates-mothers
Oh yes the whole 'breastfeeding families' thing is horrendous, we are on the same page here as you know! And yes, the whole event passed without a single mention of 'lactating chests' etc which was...refreshing! x
I do not have children yet but plan to start trying next year. I adamantly do not want to breastfeed but am open to the possibility of changing my mind, since pregnancy can change your mind about a lot. I don't want to breastfeed for reasons including past sexual trauma and pretty severe sensory issues. When I've brought this up in groups on FB or reddit about pregnancy (as I'm trying to gather as much information as I can) I am immediately met with snide remarks about how if I have problems being touched I shouldn't have children, as if I'm crazy and automatically negligent for wanting to minimize my sensory overload (I am also high functioning autistic). My experience of "pro breastfeeding" women is unfortunately similar to those on the panel you opposed. Women who don't want to breastfeed seem to be thought of as either selfish or industry dupes. I am very scared of the treatment I'll receive when I hopefully get pregnant since it seems to me that most involved in pre-natal care and birthing care have a very clear picture in their head of women who don't want to breastfeed. I feel like I will be treated as too "crunchy" for doctors in hospitals and too stupid for birthing centers.
Wow I am sorry to hear all this. I would definitely never judge you for your choices. My interest is in the women who 100% want to breastfeed but then find they can't. I actually don't care about those who don't want to breastfeed at all! (I don't actually mean I literally don't care about them, I mean their choices don't bother me in the slightest! I hope that makes sense!). I hope you get care that treats you as a unique individual rather than finds you problematic for not fitting into a set 'box'. When you do get pregnant, if you need any help or support, please ask. xx
I appreciate this reply so much Milli, thank you thank you. I understand what you mean when you say you don't care about women 's choice not to breastfeed and I understand your focus on wanting to support women who DO want to breastfeed but are made to feel like they can't. I haven't read your books yet, I'm waiting to get closer to my actual pregnancy, but I am excited to read them. I am sure I'll take you up on your offer to reach out when/if I get pregnant! I appreciate your kindness so much.
100% I support you and whatever choice you make, it will be the right one for you. Keep in touch xxx
CM, I have the same feelings as you - intensely uncomfortable with the idea of my breasts being touched/used etc. To be honest, I think that is the point Milli is making, that breasts are so over sexualized that it exacerbates previous trauma. Speaking for myself, maybe BF will be possible with adequate and compassionate guidance and care, and almost certainly not if left alone. More funding and care for postpartum women will help them deal with this trauma even seperated from whether or not they breastfeed.
I completely agree that the oversexualization of breasts probably informs both of our feelings on breastfeeding and that more funding and care for all postpartum women can only help, as can working to desexualize breasts. In the groups I mentioned in my comment it was common for women to argue that those of us with this type of trauma and reaction should push through breastfeeding in order to change the culture. I'm not swayed by this argument because my personal suffering would not actually have any effect on our culture of oversexualizing women's bodies, and I believe my baby would suffer if I forced myself to breastfeed since I would be wracked with anxiety and possibly even resentment which would be so much worse, in my view, than bottle feeding.
Absolutely agree - the idea that women should set aside their personal trauma for the greater good is the root of this issue and I fully refuse. Your body is built first and foremost for you, and only then for a baby if you so choose.
I am a midwife and a volunteer breastfeeding supporter who believes that all women have agency over their choices, including how they want to feed their babies. I hope you find the supportive circle you need as you embark on motherhood, which is a challenging journey for every woman, regardless of what happens to her or what choices she makes. I have supported many women who have past experiences or issues that can make breastfeeding complicated, and I know that with an empathetic person at your side, you will be able to find a way to go forward that will balance your needs alongside those of your baby. I hope you find your 'tribe' because they are out there.
Thank you so much for your comment Lucy, you have no idea what it means to me to hear you say that as a midwife. I have been preoccupied with this worry about what I will do about breastfeeding practically since I was in my teens and first thought about myself doing it and realized I would almost certainly not be able to handle the physicality of it. Because of that, I have read many books and blogs by midwives and also looked at the websites of midwives local to me, and somehow never saw a midwife say something like "[I] believes that all women have agency over their choices, including how they want to feed their babies." Part of this is SURELY my own projection of insecurities and trying to read too closely between the lines of midwives who understandably want to support mothers in breastfeeding above all else, because as Milli has shown, they need a lot more support than they are currently getting. But I got myself into this place where I am basically afraid to approach a midwife or birthing center because I don't want to "offend" them with my choice, and figured I will end up in a hospital that isn't BFHI certified because they at least probably won't care enough about anything including breastfeeding to pressure me one way or another, and what a fun/empowering/not at all terrifying birth experience that will be :) Anyway sorry for rambling, I just appreciate your comment so much!
It is not your responsibility to not "offend" midwives or any other health professionals you deal with when you need their care. It may help you to realize that midwives are often women who bring their own personal traumas around birth and breastfeeding to their jobs, often with no real recognition that this is happening. So sometimes it really isn't about you at all!
From what I've observed, pregnancy is a time that allows women to change, sometimes more than they ever would have thought they could. So, allow yourself the grace of transformation if you can. Becoming a mother is a bit of a crap shoot, and how you are going to "do" mothering will adjust over time as your relationship with a tiny new human grows. Because this is a relationship with another unique person who will have their own ideas about how things should be done. What an adventure we go on when we have children!
I highly recommend the work of the author of this piece: http://www.uppitysciencechick.com/Breastfeeding_after_Sexual_Trauma.pdf She is a leading expert in the field of maternal mental health, and I think it may be helpful for you to know that you are not alone, and that there are many ways of approaching this (and that none of them are "right" or "wrong", but just different).
It's all about the support. Our ancestors would have had the wise women of the village passing down their wisdom and helping the mothers transition into role of mother. They would have had their village helping and supporting. I think it's utter madness to expect new mothers in modern times to breastfeed AND still be primary caregiver at home, cooking, cleaning, often looking after other young children and often juggling work at the same time. That said, that is exactly what I did - 3 children all breastfed (while working) but each one subsequently exclusively breast fed for longer because with each child I got more comfortable with asking for help! And all the while working from home...only possible if you have people helping, because literally no one can breast feed a baby every 60 minutes, care for small children, work full time and manage a household without substantial help. Women need to feel safe and supported to fully lean into that phase of motherhood and when they feel like they 'can't' do that (but want to) it is not a failing of the mother, it is a failing of the support systems around her (or lack of). And in my experience 'fully lean into motherhood' with babies can sometimes mean laying with them for hours while they cluster feed (every night with my 3 for at least 4 - 5 hours) and when a women feels like they can't do that, it might not mean they can't physically, it might mean they can't logistically because who is going to look after the other children or cook the dinner etc Such a complex issue that defo needs more discussion, great to see here. NB I am referring only to women who want to breastfeed, obviously if a women decides not to, that decision should also be fully supported and never judged! x
We set women up to fail really, and then blame their bodies when they do.
I guess each woman has to prioritise based on her existing life choices and her resources. For some, this will mean not breastfeeding and maybe it's better to decide that up front and be at peace with it rather than struggle against the odds and then 'give up', feeling bad etc.
I breastfed all 3 of mine until age 4. I live rurally and don't have a high flying career. Whilst my kids were small we were on tax credits. I wrote in between all the other stuff and that then evolved into a career of sorts ;-) My circumstances were suited to fully leaning in to motherhood - other people may not want the same things. xxx
I fed both my children for 2 years and was very fortunate that they both took it very easily and my body reciprocated. Therefore I myself have never needed support to succeed. However, my sister was very different, she tried so hard to successfully breast feed but had ongoing bouts of mastitis and the whole experience was really upsetting and painful both physically and emotionally. Her health visitor simply told her that her baby would die if she lived in Africa… it shocks me still to think about that, unfortunately my sister didn’t get the support she needed and so her babies were both formula fed, she desperately wanted to breast feed them and there is still sadness about the fact that she was unable to. The lack of support for mothers who wish to breast feed is hugely damaging and does not benefit anyone other than the formula manufacturers. The claim that the benefits of breast feeding are overstated is just plain wrong.
Yes I agree. I cannot understand putting energy into helping parents get formula with stupid supermarket points without putting any energy into support of pregnant women, birthing women and new mothers!! just...why?!
Breast milk is completely free of course, and once a new mum is supported to breastfeed and baby is feeding happily, it's so convenient. No sterilising bottles or making up formula which always seems like additional hard work. However, breastfeeding becomes very difficult when mums have to, need to or want to return to work, sometimes when their baby is very young. Pumping milk isn't much fun and is exhausting - well I found it so and I only returned to work two days a week - so I can understand why mums change to formula then. I breastfed both of mine until they were almost two, and loved it, but the experience was different with both my children. I had a much harder time of it with my second child because he was premature and had jaundice. The doctors advised I gave him formulae milk and only breastfed him a little. They said breastfeeding was bad (?!) for jaundiced babies. Though I pumped to try to avoid problems, I got terrible mastitis. I kept breastfeeding through the pain - tears were often involved! - and we got through it. The jaundice went and the breastfeeding carried on fine. But I think if that had happened with my first child I would have definitely given up on breastfeeding altogether. Better support is needed for new mums.
Totally agree better support needed. Not sure I agree about the breastfeeding being 'free' part though - I think I used to say the same BUT if you think about the hours women put into it, it's not 'free' in the true sense of the word. But then again, that's perhaps a perspective of a capitalist world i.e something has to be thought about in a monetary way to have 'value' - on the other hand we do live in a capitalist world!! complex xxx
Definitely a capitalist lens, and that's part of the huge difficulties we encounter with motherhood in a capitalist society. Motherhood and capitalism sit uncomfortably together - like any form of caring for people to be honest, perhaps it's caring that doesn't fit with capitalism. Anyway, it creates huge tensions and problems for mothers, and parents in general. In a society which put people first, rather than money, things would likely be different. I guess in our current world, time is money, but breastfeeding means not having to purchase formula, bottles, sterilising solution and so on that goes with formula feeding. This paraphernalia is expensive and benefits the companies that make it and convince us that we need it. So yes, capitalism 101.
The panel discussion after ours was about childcare, where this all gets even more complicated. The tension between 100% freedom in a capitalist world or breastfeeding / being there for our kids is massive. By the end of it I just thought that maybe people have unrealistic expectations of their lives not being changed by parenthood. I know I was one of those people! xx
Absolutely! But I think in our current society we have unrealistic expectations about our lifestyles in general. We need to learn to live more simply again. Capitalism is failing people and the planet. I mean, we could go into the environmental damage producing formula milk does to our ecosystems and the climate. It's a mess! We need massive system change.
The presentation by ‘Feed’ appears to misrepresent the UNICEF BFI care standards framework- Care Standard 4 is all about safe formula feeding & paced, responsive bottle feeding
These Care Standards are an important minimum benchmark
that support good care practices - they are based on an interviews programme with new mothers - every month - they are asked about their experience of care received - AN discussions, care after birth - safeguarding the Golden Hour, early feeding care including helping new mothers & parents understand close & loving relationships
The theme running through is protecting babies & promoting maternal self efficacy
I remember the days before we had these standards
AN clinics festooned with formula marketing, babies branded from birth - formula company branded arm bands, cot cards, even a branded folder from the Registrar when registering the birth
There seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding - It isn’t ‘BFI’ that has put these standards in place it is the World Health Organisation - the code of conduct was drawn up to protect babies & families
I think that you should get in touch with Erin at Feed and talk this through, because you are far more knowledgable than me about this. Or talk to Ellie the panel chair? If you email me, I can put you in touch. Your voice is needed xxx
I suspect that my voice wouldn’t be welcome Milli - these are intelligent women, they appear to have made a conscious decision - for whatever personal reason - to attack organisations & people whose sole aim is to support women and protect babies from malign forces - this truth doesn’t fit their narrative & so would be subject to attack & censure
That's sad to hear Sharon. However, I still think you should get in touch. "Nevertheless she persisted" xxx hugs xxx
I learned everything about breastfeeding from YouTube, which probably says a lot about the state of education. I expressed & froze colostrum just before birth and it proved invaluable with my NICU baby - husband asked them not to feed baby & dashed home and ran back with it warming in his fist. I exclusively fed for 6 months & carried on till 16 months or so. Like I said, everything I did was based on research, so when I had a milk bleb there was no one physically to help from experience. Mastitis was awful and I waited in A&E for 14 hours on New Year's Day to get antibiotics. The thing no one told me is that while breastfeeding is wonderful, it really puts the burden on the mother. The burden of providing all food, around the clock. I was exhausted. I was isolated. In a "village" of people there would be more help, but solitary mums trying to do their best, researching on YouTube and alone for 12 hours a day while partners work and 12 hours at nights while partners sleep... all feeding alone. Trying to figure it out. It's so hard.
Really interesting summary, Milli, and some great comments on it here, too.
I just want to correct a couple of points :
1. The idea that only 1 per cent of babies are excl breastfed for six months is not really correct. This widely used stat is a misinterpretation of a badly-worded Q in the last UK infant feeding survey which asked mothers by which age their babies had started solids. Only 1 per cent of babies started solids after six months…and the mothers who had started at six months or thereabouts ticked the appropriate box. Yes, that meant these infants were no longer exclusively breastfed….but many of them of course continued breastfeeding alongside solids. So to present the 1 per cent as ‘only 1 per cent are excl breastfeeding’ is a doomy interpretation!
Of course many MANY mothers stop breastfeeding before they planned to or wanted to. But we can see all around us more mothers are breastfeeding ‘older’ babies (ie older than six months) compared to a generation or so ago. They’re continuing to do so, because of social and economic changes and an increase in confidence and opportunity.
2. It *is* important to care, or at least be curious, about the mothers who don’t want to breastfeed at all, or who do it reluctantly for maybe a day only. This is massively influenced by social class & ethnicity. White, young, working class women don’t, on the whole, breastfeed. Why? There are complex reasons. Protecting breastfeeding among the white, young, working class women who *do* breastfeed is important as they do influence their peer group. How do we do this? Why is breastfeeding support & help not available equally? Why is geography an influence…. London white, young, working class women are more likely to breastfeed than their precise counterparts in, say, Sunderland?
Milli, you’re right to point out that the research shows feeding does make a difference and of course studies do control for social factors. Seems to me that this is a health equality issue, too.
Great piece as always Milli. I chose not to breastfeed even before our daughter was born and felt zero guilt about it. I feel zero guilt about it now. I didn’t want to do it, and that was made clear to drs/midwives at the time. I strongly feel this is a woman’s choice and she should be supported to feed her baby in whatever way she wants by family, health professionals and her wider community.
We live in a very middle class area and I didn’t see many bottle fed babies in cafes etc. I think a lot of bottle feeding mothers we knew were embarrassed by it. To be honest I probably got a few disapproving looks, but when a baby’s screaming to be fed who cares! I was lucky not to get comments etc from friends/family (or strangers!), though they probably knew better than to say anything! When my daughter was a tiny baby it was one of the happiest times of my life, bottle feeding was a big part of that and made life easier for us.
My message to expectant mothers or women hoping to be mothers is that feed your baby how you want. If you want to bottle feed do it, don’t feed guilty AT ALL and don’t be pressured by others. If you want to breastfeed and struggle, demand support (easier said than done I know).
I 100% agree and I 100% support your choice to bottle feed. As I've said in another comment though, it's the women who actually do want to breastfeed, the ones who feel it's important or meaningful, but who are thwarted because of bad advice or poor support, that we need to focus on. xx
Absolutely women are manipulated in their birth and feeding choices. By corporatised governments, big pharma etc as well as a whole host of parties and individuals who’ve internalised the misogynistic bullsh*t spun by these postmodern globalists.
I think you are probably right. And the BFI is stopping some of this manipulation (see Sharon's comment above about how it used to be). And now they want to get rid of the BFI. Hmm.
Absolutely. The BFI is an attempt to embed woman-centredness in a much broader and more powerful society/system that is founded in patriarchy. Of course it will be seen as a threat, especially by those who stand to lose status when they feel their traditional hierarchical and paternalistic values may be threatened. It’s makes depressing sense that BFI and similar approaches will be constantly eroded, both explicitly and tacitly. Sometimes even from within. We must each stay as much in our inner truths as possible to uphold integrity wherever our sphere of influence lies.
I spent the money to hire a breastfeeding expert (about $150 for two in-person visits plus all the emails and texts I wanted) to show me the ropes the first time I had a baby because I was living in a different city than my mom and aunts/grandma/cousins/sisters etc. It was fantastic, and paid for itself hundreds of times over. I breastfed my first until her 4th birthday and am still breastfeeding my second who is almost 2.
Definitely took a “screw anyone who looks at me funny” while doing public breastfeeding. But honestly, nobody cared or said anything.
I was the same and never had a negative comment! Public attitude to the breast IS a big issue though, we didn't even go there, another whole discussion! xx
It's not the question you asked, but I'm interested in your view on the length of time women are "encouraged" (mandated?) to exclusively breastfeed now, and why that changed. When I had my children, I started to introduce solids at around 3 months. They both did very well on this and honestly I couldn't have managed to continue to exclusively breastfeed them any longer because I needed to work.
Are the results in yet? Do we know if the young adults who were exclusively breastfed for a full 6 months are doing better than those who were not?
I don't fully know the answer but I hope someone reading who is an IBCLC or similar, will!
I believe the evidence has shown than around 6 months is optimal, and in particular that being able to sit up and feed themselves (put things in the mouth) is a sign of readiness. I guess if you think about the days before blenders, babies would not be able to have 'baby food' and would therefore not have had liquid carrot etc spooned in?! BUT - I don't know what the evidence would be about what has become of those adults. I would think that it would be very hard to pinpoint outcomes specifically to the way a person was weaned? Eg how could you prove things like rising allergies, or obesity, were linked? But - I'm not a scientist ;-) xx
Wondering what women following this thread think of this article? I notice that Ruth Anne Harper from the Infant Feeding Alliance has commented in the article.
https://unherd.com/2023/12/the-nhs-cult-of-natural-birth/#:~:text=They%20believe%20that%20overcomplicated%2C%20overbearing,be%20focused%20on%20natural%20processes.
Thanks. Several people have brought this to my attention today. Also Ellie Lee who chaired this panel is quoted in it!
I’m going to offer a sightly different take on what supporting breastfeeding mothers can look like.
A woman I know had moved to Ireland as a newlywed and was overjoyed to fall pregnant there. She did all the things you’re supposed to do to maximise your chances of a boring labour and birth. Hers was not. She ended up having an emergency c-section for foetal distress and they didn’t have time for the epidural to take before operating. She is in recovery at her new home with very little support and a family friend is coming to visit. He happens to be a Catholic priest and he asks her what he can bring them. She asks for a basic breastfeeding kit. He hands cash over to his local parish la leche league and they get together a kit for him to deliver. He luckily didn’t have his bags inspected at the airport and have to answer questions about why a priest has bras and nipple shields in his luggage! He delivers the kit and stays with them while she is recovering from a horrific c-section and trying to breastfeed through mastitis and no real support around. There was apparently a lot of swearing. This priest went back to his home parish and a few months later, she got calls from their friends back home asking what happened to him on his visit with them. He was a changed man for the better.
Every confession of a mother he heard, he would listen, offer advice to be gentle on themselves and affirm them in their goodness and the beauty of their new role as a mother. His penance to every breastfeeding mother was simply to go and feed their baby. He would say, motherhood and breastfeeding is a mortification and a total gift of self and for him to assign anything more would be excessive and unjust.
He also raised funds for the parish to have breastfeeding kits to anyone who needed it and held special masses for new mothers every month to welcome them and their new babies. He stated up front that there were welcome to feed their baby as needed right there in the church if they wanted to.
Catholics have a long tradition of spiritual devotion to “our lady of the milk” but it fell out of favour sometime in the 1850s in Anglophone countries when everyone got all prudish about breasts. It’s a shame, but it’s starting to come back. Google “Madonna lactans” and switch on images. Some of them are beautiful others look like the worst case of niplash and help me feel seen.
That’s my two cents. Thank you for engaging with this kind of debate and being willing to take on challenging views. My take is breastfeeding is the ordinary way to nourish our babies like all mammals do. We have the incredible ability to feed our babies with other sources unlike other mammals when the ordinary way is not possible. The fact that ordinary needs of women to breastfeed are NOT social norms is the unnatural part that we need to remedy.
Thank you for this comment. I like the priest's idea that breastfeeding and motherhood is a 'mortification', (for anyone reading who is not familiar with Catholicism my understanding is that this means a temporary abstinence from life's pleasures, eg fasting or abstaining from sex) and I genuinely think that's will resonate to anyone who has ever sat under a breastfeeding baby thinking about all the other things they could be doing or enjoying! I did write about it once being a bit like meditation in this respect as well. Constantly forcing you to come back to the present moment. No distractions etc!
Anyway thanks for these fascinating thoughts. xxx
It is incredibly validating to have that kind of suffering seen and acknowledged. Especially when it appears to be a “choice”. It’s been a small solace to me that there is always one place in this world where my babies are ALWAYS welcome and my motherhood seen as something beautiful and heroic, and not just a lifestyle choice among many.
The slogan, “Breast is Best” was coined by formula companies and is probably the most brilliant ad campaign in history. And one that keeps hooking us into a dialogue over and over again. We have become apologists for the phrase or we justify or explain in greater detail in response to Breast is Best. The slogan is a red herring that keeps us from identifying the real issue: That MOTHER is essential. We do mothers a huge disservice with this continued narrative. When we refrain from engaging in the formula constructed debate, we can take the teeth out of it.
Breast is Best has derailed mothers for decades. It was included on the labels of formula for years to make the product appear to be benign and helpful, but it was intended to cause friction between mothers, take the focus of the importance of the mother, and reduce the narrative to feeding instead of mothering, because anyone can feed a baby with formula.
Because no one can do their “Best” all the time, mothers who use formula often feel not good enough. When breastfeeding is promoted saying it is natural, perfect, superior, etc., those who don’t breastfeed are automatically then, none of the above. It’s the perfect rift to engage the entire health care system, mothers, and culture in general.
But Mothering is about so much more than which milk we feed our infants. Until the importance of the mother is recognized, we will continue to be neutralized, erased.
The truth about mothering is that it’s hard, no matter how we feed our babies. And often breastfeeding is blamed for it being so hard.
What happens when we are honest with ourselves and prospective mothers? What happens when we embrace the profound bio-essentialism of mothering? Pregnancy, birthing, breastfeeding and mothering are the most intense bio-essential undertaking possible. It is uniquely female, in which we become physiologically subsumed in the creation, nurturing and growth of another being. We are entangled.
A nursing mother is unique in that she and the baby are a “union of reciprocity,” with the baby completely interdependent and entwined with mother for not just survival, but to thrive. Every time a mother kisses her baby, or her baby suckles at her breast, mother’s immune system produces antibodies specific to the state of baby, her milk adjusts to infant needs in that moment, each moment, of every day, every month etc. 10% of nursing is about nutrition, and the rest is about the laying down of the synapses in the brain, socialization, safety, right brain development, language development, gut biome development, and so much more.
The constant interaction especially at night is protective of SIDS. Breastfed babies can find the source in the dark, by smell. They rouse, follow their nose, latch and interact with mother. A baby who sleeps deeply for long stretches without hunger to rouse them from heavy sleep, who has a belly filled with long-lasting formula is at a higher risk of infant death. A baby who does not know where their source of nourishment is will scoot aimlessly, increasing their risk of getting stuck or trapped in bed.
Nils Bergman MD calls the mother a baby’s Habitat. We at The Milky Way call it HOME.
“Cradled in a mother’s arms, a baby is at HOME.”-Jennifer Davidson RN BSN IBCLC
Nursing a baby is a very intense way to nurture a baby. But in reality, no matter how you birth, how you choose to feed, having and caring for a baby is the most intense biophysical, emotional, psychological experience we can have.
So many mothers feel like they are failing at mothering because no one has told them the truth. They think they are the only ones experiencing the extreme exhaustion and overwhelm. In many primary cultures a new mother is nurtured for a period of time until she has recovered, nursing and a milk supply have been established, and she feels more confident to care for her baby.
Sheila Kitzinger called this time after birth, “Baby Moon.” Of course, this term has been hijacked by industry to mean the last trip that a couple takes before having a baby. The original intent is that prior to birth, a mother plans for a period of time of her choosing (six weeks is suggested, but a minimum of two weeks) that only certain hand-picked people will come to her home to help with shopping, meals, cleaning, caring for other children, and any other support that she desires.
Friends and family often come out of the woodwork to visit a new baby. Newborn energy is intoxicating and everyone wants a piece of it. They will hold baby, kiss baby, inhale baby’s scent, pass baby around, and then go home on a high, leaving the new mama exhausted with an overtired newborn that may have even picked up a bug from one of the eager visitors. Make no mistake, they are not coming to see the mother, and will be nowhere around at 3a.m. when she needs help the most, or when her 3 month old is screaming with colic.
For mothers who don’t have willing or helpful family or friends, much of the necessary support can be added to her baby registry, such as house cleaning, grocery and meal delivery, lactation home visits, chiropractor or other bodywork home visits, and can be purchased as a gift instead of things.
The bottom line, the big takeaway here is, the next time you see, “Is breast best?” Sidestep it and re-direct to the real question: how best can we support each and every mother? Who cares which is best, perfect, normal, whatever? What matters is the reality of motherhood, and what infrastructure we can put in place that truly understands the IMPORTANCE OF THE MOTHER, and what she needs for she and her baby to THRIVE. And maybe we can stem the tide of erasure.
This comment deserves to be a substack post in itself? Do you have one? You should! xxx
Wow!! Thank you so much! I do not have a blog or substack account. But you have certainly made me consider the possibility :)